Tudor Tuesdays | Act One, Scene One

Tudor Tuesdays: 1

Every Tuesday I share with you a slice of script from a hilariously terrible Tudor sitcom that a friend and I wrote one summer. These are: Tudor Tuesdays.

Foreword

In August 2011, in a moment of boredom, there was envisaged a sitcom of epic proportions. Here follows the pilot script of a soon-to-be hit television show.

Scene One

The series begins with a busy inn. There are long wooden tables wet with beer and food and men cheering and laughing while the Cheapside whores jiggle their breasts. Everybody is having a good time. The camera scans the room before landing on a group of young men sat around a table with glasses of ale sloshing as they chat and laugh.

Man One: They say Queenie’s had her oven filled.
Man Two: Bollocks! A bloke I know on the inside says he ain’t gone to her chamber in months, preferring instead the bacon flaps at court. (laughter) But even they ain’t nothing compared to the greasy whores of Cheapside (laughter and cheers as he full on motorboats a nearby whore.)Man One: But they say she’s round with child.
Man Three: Perhaps she’s round with pottage (laughter from the men)Man One: Surely he’s bed her at least once in the last couple of months.
Man Two: I don’t know, would you bed her? I suppose I would, simply to have stuffed a royal. (laughter) I’d certainly succeed in seeding her with a son. (‘ooh’ from audience.)
Man One: TREASON!

Enter guard who takes Man Two away to the tower.