Tudor Tuesdays | Act One, Scene 3

Tudor Tuesdays: 3

• Scene Three:
• The scene opens to a grand room in the house. Henry is pacing wildly in the room when the Cardinal enters.
• Henry:What took you so long? A King is never made to wait.
• Cardinal:I’m sorry, sir. I came as fast as I could.
• Henry:As you always do (laughter)
• Cardinal:(clears throat) What can I do for you, your majesty?
• Henry:I need a divorce.
• Cardinal:But we’re not married. (laughter)
• Henry:From Catherine, you Catholic slime (laughter)
• Cardinal:But your majesty, this is unheard of. It is not the papist way.
• Henry:Then we shall make it the papist way. I WILL have a divorce. Her womb is drier than Bin Laden’s liquor cabinet (laughter and shouts of “fucking dead cunt, now who’s laughing?’ from the audience)
• Cardinal:The Pope will not like it.
• Henry:Fuck the Pope.
• Cardinal:I already did and he made me Cardinal, I don’t see how doing it again is going to get me much further. (laughter and the distinct sounds of someone pissing themselves) An unmarried King is not smiled upon kindly, your majesty.
• Henry:Then I shall find a new woman to follow her.
• Cardinal:Your majesty, please, consider Catherine in this.
• Henry:I will never, and have never, taken any notice of the flighty feelings of the female species. For the moment you’ve become settled with how you think they feel, they switch again. I’ve no time for what a woman thinks or feels. (laughter)
• The Cardinal exits and Henry paces further.
• Henry:God’s nails! Who do I have to behead around here to get a blow-job?
• Enter a beautiful young woman in resplendent dress
• Anne:Hello boys! (laughter and hissing)