Tudor Tuesdays | Act One, Scene 3

Tudor Tuesdays: 3

• Scene Three:
• The scene opens to a grand room in the house. Henry is pacing wildly in the room when the Cardinal enters.
• Henry:What took you so long? A King is never made to wait.
• Cardinal:I’m sorry, sir. I came as fast as I could.
• Henry:As you always do (laughter)
• Cardinal:(clears throat) What can I do for you, your majesty?
• Henry:I need a divorce.
• Cardinal:But we’re not married. (laughter)
• Henry:From Catherine, you Catholic slime (laughter)
• Cardinal:But your majesty, this is unheard of. It is not the papist way.
• Henry:Then we shall make it the papist way. I WILL have a divorce. Her womb is drier than Bin Laden’s liquor cabinet (laughter and shouts of “fucking dead cunt, now who’s laughing?’ from the audience)
• Cardinal:The Pope will not like it.
• Henry:Fuck the Pope.
• Cardinal:I already did and he made me Cardinal, I don’t see how doing it again is going to get me much further. (laughter and the distinct sounds of someone pissing themselves) An unmarried King is not smiled upon kindly, your majesty.
• Henry:Then I shall find a new woman to follow her.
• Cardinal:Your majesty, please, consider Catherine in this.
• Henry:I will never, and have never, taken any notice of the flighty feelings of the female species. For the moment you’ve become settled with how you think they feel, they switch again. I’ve no time for what a woman thinks or feels. (laughter)
• The Cardinal exits and Henry paces further.
• Henry:God’s nails! Who do I have to behead around here to get a blow-job?
• Enter a beautiful young woman in resplendent dress
• Anne:Hello boys! (laughter and hissing)

Tudor Tuesdays | Act One, Scene 2

Tudor Tuesdays: 2

Every Tuesday I share with you a slice of script from a hilariously terrible Tudor sitcom that a friend and I wrote one summer. These are: Tudor Tuesdays.

Scene Two

The scene opens to a young woman sat at a large mahogany Tudor style breakfast table that is filled with all kinds of feastly food. Here enters a handsome man with the beginnings of quite a large gut growing. The audience cheers.

Catherine: Hello, handsome!
Henry: Hello, childless bitch. (laughter) Pass the lamb.
Catherine: You’ve had six chops already.
Henry: What are you? Catholic? (laughter)Catherine: I have your messages here.
Henry: Well, you’d better read them then, hadn’t you, wench? (laughter and light applause)Catherine: You’ve been invited to a father and son hog roast (laughter)Henry: (frowning) I die a little bit inside each time I get those (sad ‘aww’ from audience). But not as much as you’ll die if you don’t give me a divorce(laughter)Catherine: A divorce? Oh Henry, you cannot ask for such things!
Henry: I can.
Catherine: Who died and made you King? (laughter and heavy applause)Henry: Your ex-husband. (massive laughter and applause as scene fades to black.)

Tudor Tuesdays | Act One, Scene One

Tudor Tuesdays: 1

Every Tuesday I share with you a slice of script from a hilariously terrible Tudor sitcom that a friend and I wrote one summer. These are: Tudor Tuesdays.

Foreword

In August 2011, in a moment of boredom, there was envisaged a sitcom of epic proportions. Here follows the pilot script of a soon-to-be hit television show.

Scene One

The series begins with a busy inn. There are long wooden tables wet with beer and food and men cheering and laughing while the Cheapside whores jiggle their breasts. Everybody is having a good time. The camera scans the room before landing on a group of young men sat around a table with glasses of ale sloshing as they chat and laugh.

Man One: They say Queenie’s had her oven filled.
Man Two: Bollocks! A bloke I know on the inside says he ain’t gone to her chamber in months, preferring instead the bacon flaps at court. (laughter) But even they ain’t nothing compared to the greasy whores of Cheapside (laughter and cheers as he full on motorboats a nearby whore.)Man One: But they say she’s round with child.
Man Three: Perhaps she’s round with pottage (laughter from the men)Man One: Surely he’s bed her at least once in the last couple of months.
Man Two: I don’t know, would you bed her? I suppose I would, simply to have stuffed a royal. (laughter) I’d certainly succeed in seeding her with a son. (‘ooh’ from audience.)
Man One: TREASON!

Enter guard who takes Man Two away to the tower.

Welcome to Too Tudor!

Hello and welcome to Too Tudor - a corner of the internet that you probably never intended to land on and will immediately click off of, unless of course, you love historically inaccurate Tudor-based sitcom writing from someone worse than amateur.

Every Tuesday, a slice of script from my Tudor sitcom will be published here for you to enjoy (or loathe) so be sure to keep checking in! Look forward to the first scene to be published on Tuesday 11th November.